On Twitter I heard that there are more than 23 million mobile phones being used in Australia. How marvelous! We are so advanced.
That's 23 million in a country of 20 million people - the population figure includes babies, toddlers, and some Depression Era oldies who throw their hands up in horror at the thought of a mobile phone.
Blame the Gen Ys and the Baby Boomers - because LORD KNOWS no one counts the forgotten Gen Xers now.
Knit one, pearl one, drop one ...
Has anyone noticed how these days you only ever hear about Gen Y and Baby Boomers?
Where exactly did Gen X go?
The Baby Boomers have reaped their rewards, had their good times, continue their good times while Gen Y whoop it up, spend it up while living at home, pushing up inflation, pushing up interest rates.
Meanwhile: Eyesight deteriorates, hair falls out, teeth yellow, spine curls - hey presto! There we are!
Some of us just drifted into Bunnings for a House & Garden outing and never emerged.
The duplicitous nature of physics becomes terrifyingly apparent when applied to mobile phones, weight gain and aging.
Incident report:
5pm on a bus somewhere in Brisbane a snotty-nosed Gen Y talks into her phone.
"Hi-i! Hey, I forgot to feed the goldfish this morning. Can you feed it? Great. See ya."
I do not kid you. ETA less than 20 minutes and she calls someone at home to feed her goldfish.
You know, I may be happy to fade out of this picture.
Though some of us do insist on bright red lipstick, dyed dark short cuts with yellow streaks, dangly earrings, gaudy specs and very expensive shirts and shoes - proof of life, apparently.
Never say die when you can spend $300 on hair - not to mention perfume to reek so genteel people faint around you.
Never say die when you can buy a fast car and trade in the old ball-and-chain for a new, younger ball-and-chain - proof of life.
And when a conversation is struck? But oh, such a rare pleasure!
Hold a smile. Appear interested. And listen.
Listen to each other's minds clicking over calculations: of age (as judged by the condition of teeth); of gaul (as judged by the twinkle of smugness in a young or self-deceived eye).
There it is. Your number's up and it's not Bingo!
There is of course an alternative: ignore each other entirely using the fade in, fade out reality edit. All this energy expended on mental warps.
Based on the law of energy conservation (basic physics), energy is never destroyed it is only converted into another state - converted into what in this case?
I'm always suspicious of people who lose weight because there's a few kilos lurking around looking for a place to settle.
If you know someone who has lost weight redouble your vigilance - it's cheaper than any other aging=fading defiance.
People always think you're younger if you're agile in mind and body.
But seriously, the proliferation of mobile phones is actually much more terrifying than weight gain or aging. The more phones there are, the less actual communication happens.
I'm waiting for Apple to issue the iPhone T5 - the first phone which dispenses with the voice function. Text only. Ticketyboo.
Why can't I have a phone that can sort Optus out with a barrage of constant texts when there's a problem likely to suck up half a day of precious life force? MM-mm?!!
VanityFinance.com (2013 headline) :: Telecom-Apple dwarfs US economy
- Killer Shop App tops the pop chart: It knows what you like and it has your credit card.
DOLLY COVER HEADLINE (2013) :: How to break up with your phone.
Your phone calls you: "I found the most darling pair of shoes! And they only cost $500!"
You: "Tell me you didn't!"
Phone: "I did!"
You: "If you don't stop spending then I'll trade you in..."
NEW SCIENTIST HEADLINE (2013) :: Phone calls God.
Ticketyboo.